I love old pictures of myself because I get to see the growth, revise the history- the occasional confrontation with my growing memory loss. It’s like a time capsule in 105px meant to evoke the same emotion I had at that particular point.

Though most of the time I can barely recognize myself let alone the feeling that was chocking me at that point in time. When I received the fifth random photo earlier on this week, I was a little apprehensive and the flattery had morphed into irritation.

This begs the question why are people walking around with pictures of me on their phones. I barely keep phones, how do people manage to keep scrolls of pictures. My pictures. I’m not even famous!

Negatives attract positive

The first picture I received, like many others that will be exposed when I’m famous I was…….. Well I was there. (Chuckles) the second I was in some conference that I don’t remember what it featured.

The third was taken without my knowledge in class. The fourth looks like the negative photos from our parents’ times- I was a whole bowl of melanin; a shadow to be politically correct. The fifth was from my ex, probably still stuck in a time lapse.

My mind is a whirlwind whenever somebody says they have pictures of me. First thought is where was it taken; was I dressed and was I drinking holy water.

Every other week there is always somebody new sending me pictures of when we used to hang out. Ever so often I would politely let out a “those were good times man! Aki tunazeeka. Which would in turn stream into a thread of memory jogging that I’d end up grey ticking. The past always comes knocking but where is this door jamani?

What comforts me and makes me uneasy is the number of unclaimed unapproved photos there are- waiting for you and me to get famous; silently sitting in the gallery of someone’s Infinix right next to the’ vote for Kiprotich’ poster. You my people are famous and don’t know.

You have been having paparazzi on your tail even before you knew that it has double ‘ziis’. I’m just wondering why we are not getting paid to fly out to Santorini. I’m also wondering why Nairobi diaries didn’t give me a contract. Or is it Love and HipHop Kesses?

Dear paparazzi when everyone is having fun partying and getting white boy wasted, why are you on your phones? Is you ugly? Is ugly you? How are you not making merry with everyone and mingling? Why do you even have your phone on full charge at 4am?

Most of us have done called our boyfriends, our friends from other towns and even the police. You, on your Tecno phone, have been scrolling to revisit the 1 like you got fifteen years back to look busy. Shame shame!

If you need bad pictures of someone else to feel important, then I pray to God, Mack Zuckerberg makes it to heaven. I pray and hope that your wife finds that picture and leaves you (chuckles). May your children’s children get paparazzi like you to follow them around.

May that picture ruin your life and self-esteem every time you look at it. May it be a reminder that you lack talent, sass and friends to take pictures of you. May you suffer the scourge of your own doing and burn at the stake of your bitter self and your 78 followers. JK!

You people with low self esteem, please look in the mirror and tell your broken self you are beautiful or handsome. That you are amazing and you have money even if you don’t(bhangi). Tell yourself you are going to be fine and you don’t need to hold on to anything toxic just for you to feel important.

Understand that you need God more than anyone else does because in your twisted ways, you were not loved. Your parents probably don’t love you and even Jesus didn’t die for you. He died because of you. But its okay, do not be murky. Judas lives on, thank you for your service!

In life we need things that give us a certain high. Most people prefer alcohol, Mary Jane, sex, driving on the highway at 180km/hr, winning PS games and going down on a zip line. We are structured to be adrenaline junkies. It is normal.

The problem comes in when we have an urgent need to escape our lows and can’t figure out anything else other than taking someone else down. We smile a little more when someone loses a job opportunity, fails a test, gets humiliated by a senior, trips and fall down. That’s how desperate people are to feel good about themselves.

You are willing to get in the way of somebody else just for a five minute pleasure that you’d reference every other time. It’s your addiction. That’s why jealous people are the worst to have in a circle. The kind of people who wriggle in joy over your demise.

They feel elated whenever you are doing worse than them even though there’s absolutely no comparison. These type of people are the ones who will be quick to flash out their camera when you are in a compromising situation. They have resigned to the fact that they can’t be you so they’d rather tarnish your name.

They won’t do just one thing but a series of them. It’s a void they can’t escape because their mother never told them ‘I love you’. So they’ll hate the way others love you.

The kind of problems haters have cannot be solved by you being nice to them. It cannot be solved by giving them attention nor money. You are not even the problem; their hate is simply a manifestation of what they went through while growing up.

They are lost children looking for attention. Seeking any possible way to remain relevant. They think you are their mothers, they are looking for potties. Just don’t let them shit on you.

Remember if you want to be liked sell ice cream. But even then you’ll find someone who likes hotdogs. Not everyone will like you and it has nothing to do with you, most people are just lacking- mentally and emotionally.

They went through things that made them hate themselves so they can’t like anyone. Its normal and it is very okay. We need haters, but they need us more.

They need someone to look up to, someone to conspire against and to look at sideways. Best thing to do? Laugh and move on, go to the bank and get yourself money for trips. Trips they want to go on with you but cant. Trips that they’ll say you were paid for by your sponsors.

They will still watch your instastories and watch over your boyfriend while you are away. Thank them because no one will cheat on you in peace. I pray to God everyday to bless everyone so that the blessings can distract you. But He doesn’t because you are busy planning on felling other people’s empires. Tell God sorry.

They will leak pictures, they will give tales but honey they wouldn’t do it if you were ugly and irrelevant. Stay at the top of the food chain and leave breadcrumbs for the rats! Click! Click!


  1. Leave breadcrumbs for the rats! Eish woman, I needed to take time off to read this and I am completely amused. Mimi Hao watu WA tbt’s you didn’t know existed just drain my energy. Who hurt them? Earlier this week some HATER also made me write my post, because these people just look for the bad in things. Heeh. Just stay on your level Queen

    • Amen to that dear!!! Haters literally don’t have hobbies at all…heavy is the head that carries the crown and I don’t see ours tripping ever☺️ thanks honey


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