Thinks he is DJ Khaled. He has no regards to time or volume. He assumes everyone likes listening to his taste of music and is quite convinced that he beats the local dj at mixing. Loves jumpstarting his day with loud mixes and finishes up his night with more annoying loud mixes. Never misses to play Demakufu and Simple Simon, his playlist is more predictable than 2017 second general elections but as hyped as Raila’s mans-not-hot jacket.
This neighbor can be passing by but stop amidst just to borrow greetings from you. He is always lacking from salt, USB cable, matchbox, pegs, pan, rag, broom to tissue. This neighbor will borrow your time at its best- they knock when it’s raining, when you yourself are lacking, when the big hand strikes 2 and even when you are not there. The borrower is not to be entrusted with your key; he might just borrow your girlfriend. Kikulacho ki’jirani mwako.
You might think he runs a brothel but he hails from a house full of females. To him, these ladies are the closest thing to home that he has. He just loves the estrogen around him. He is often caught up in an unnecessary drama but he has at least five girls who can beat up other girls for him. Some may think he is gay but he is just more tuned to the female nature than most men.
This neighbor is always with a rag hanging outside the doorstep dripping. This is the neighbor that will get the caretaker to open the main tap for everyone; God bless this neighbor. If she is not washing, she is thinking about washing or is about to wash. She is always eager to outdo her neighbors; not that we care. But she has her eyebrows raised high and her chin on THC while she passes the rest of her neighbors. Doesn’t even apply her make up correctly but still God bless her.
He never misses people at his house. This man in particular usually has a play station or really good music. His house is a hive and all the worker bees are in it to win it. You never really know who the owner of the house is but you can trace it back to two or three frequenters. On occasion you will find a padlock decoration on the front door but will soon find the door swinging open or slightly agape. The trap king only has basic necessities in his trap house- a bed, a couch, gas and bachelor dishes (1). He might or might not have an extra mattress for when the boys sleepover or a carpet used as substitute. The trap king accommodates everyone- the guy who never finished school, the drunk who comes at 3am, the girl who comes to prepare her breakfast and some fella who has been living with him but they aren’t really cool like that.
All kinds of broth come out of this neighbor’s house. In the morning, during lunch and dinner times are acceptable times to be fondling with the sufurias. This neighbor is the pancake in the morning type of person, occasionally cooks pilau and you will never pass by her front door without that royco cube going down in all the right ways. The cook is the worst of all the neighbors, he will have you hungry at 11pm after eating at 8pm. You might get invited once or twice but there’s a reason they cook at ungodly hours.
This neighbor will have you doing monkey flips just to use the bathroom. The only neighbor who your brother but not the blood nor the Bible kind. This neighbor is so dangerous, evacuate upon first signs of moving in. If you are not careful enough, you might even find him or her calling your parents to enquire on depleted foodstuff. The pirate is always entertaining you with the best narratives as a tactic. Agrees with everything you say, do and breathe. They are not the center of conflict and offer to do all the donkey work. They will love you when the sun shines and where the sun don’t shine (your house). Beware of a pirate; they are like family but more like parasites.
That neighbor you always wonder where they really live. You see them around the hood but you never know their name, friends or activities. You only see them coming and going. The marginalized neighbor has his/her life together or so would people think. He never speaks above his monotone and can’t quite identify their voice in a crowd. They are sneaky and always leaving for home or town. They are forever busy and most times only wear one hoodie.